A Change of Priorities: Witness

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A Change of ...
... A K ...
up an active ... a number of things went wrong in life shortly after being married.
Nothing to do with the ... between my wife, Ir A Change of Priorities: Witnessby A K WhiteheadBrought up an active Catholic, a number of things went wrong in life shortly after being married.
Nothing to do with the relationship between my wife, Iris, and myself. But I blamed God, either directly or indirectlyfor what happened.
Of course, blaming God for things soon turns into doubt about God, and doubt is then the second step into unbelief.So for the next twenty-plus years I found myself without any realbelief in God. I was not an atheist.
I could not say that God did not exist.But I could not say that he did exist either. For all that time I was really anagnostic.
But I continued going to church - just as insurance! In case he did exist. I though I would then be okay.
Both a foolish and illogicalposition, but...Without any belief in God my values became determined by self interest.I began studying again and then went to university for three years, toread economics. That was followed by a years Postgraduate Certificate in Education to qualify for teaching.
I moved into university level teaching and worked for a Master of Philosophy, a research degree. So I became almost totally focussed on my career as an academic.
All that mattered was making a reputation, promotion, publishinglearned papers, earning more money and so forth.After a piece of prolonged research, I felt that I needed a temporarychange and knocked-off for a short while. Suddenly, after years and yearsof having my mind preoccupied in sorting out academic problems of onesort or another, my mind was free.
But all these mental problems had beenrather like a hand holding a ball down below the surface of water - as soonas the downward pressure was taken off the ball shot to the surface. The "ball"was the problem of God's existence.The problem had always been there but I had never allowed it to get inthe way of all the other things to which I had given priority.
In Massone Sunday, one of the Scripture readings included Luke 11:9 whereJesus tells his disciples to: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you".It was as if I had never heard this before. Perhaps I never really had.But then, of course, the reading went on, because Jesus added that"everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks,the door will be opened".It seemed to me that, if God did exist, then these promises should beworth all that they claimed.
So I said to God, quite literally: "Okay, I'll take you at your word. I will seek, and ask, and knock.
But if I don't find you, it will not be my fault. It will be yours, because you will not have kept your promises.
So you will not be able to take me to task for notdoing what you wanted".My first problem was: how do you find God, find whether he exists or not? As a Catholic, the first thing that occurred to me was to begin going to Mass each day. I did that surreptitiously, without telling Iris.
She had always had a very close relationship with God and I felt a bit self conscious about what I was trying to do.What else? It occurred to me that I had never actually read the Biblethrough from one end to the other. So I decided to do just that.
We were coming towards Christmas and when my two sons asked me what Iwanted as a present, I told them, "A Bible". They thought it was hilariousthat I should want a Bible! I suppose they did not consider me to be quite the bible-reading type.
But I began reading it at night when everyone else was in bed.I sometimes had a strange experience in the New Testament part. Iwould read and, although not understanding much of Paul's letters, forexample, nonetheless it was as if my mind took over and began to explain to me what I was reading.
How that happened, I did not know.Two and a half years after I had begun this search Iris developed aserious illness: emphysema. Her lungs were filling with fluid and, becauseof other conditions, the doctors could do nothing.
They gave her sixweeks to live.On the Friday of Pentecost a nun from our parish persuaded us to go toa healing service at a Catholic church about twenty miles away. We wentand my wife was insantaneously healed from the emphysema when she was prayed over by the parish priest, Fr Lenard May.
She "fell in the Spirit" and was down for about half-an-hour. It was as if all the excess fluid in her body was evaporated away for, when she got up, one could see a damp outline of her body on the floor around where she had lain.
Our doctor was staggered by the event: it subsequently led to his own conversion.It was an amazing event, but it was not my own personal experience and did not change my agnosticism. But it did something, and we continued going down to this church every Friday evenings (as it turned out, for the next five years or so without missing once).A few weeks later I saw a five day conference advertised for August onthe church notice board.
Much against her better judgement, because she felt we were not ready for a full five days of praise and tongues and allthat went along with it, I persuaded Iris that we should book.The conference turned out to be interesting and entertaining but by Wednesday we were both somewhat disappointed. We had both gone with our own very specific questions.
Iris was asking the Lord what the meaning and relevance of this outpouring of spiritual gifts was about; andI was still asking if there was a God. Halfway through, neither of us seemed to be getting any answers.But that afternoon was given over to the youth - a prospect which didnot exactly fill me with enthusiasm.
So I groaned inwardly and slid down in my seat when one of the two youths who were to speak fell up the steps to the stage. Which of a thousand better places could I have been at?But the answer to that was soon apparent: no better place existed for meat that time.
I was completely stunned at the witness these two lads gave as to how Godworked in their lives. It had never occurred to me that God would ever useany "ordinary" person in this kind of way.
Then, towards the end of their witness, I felt something almost physical sweep over me from the twoyoung men on the stage. I can only describe it as waves of sanctity,washing over me again and again.
I went out of the hall in tears, hanging on to Iris' arm because I could not see where I was going.The period from there up to the healing Mass on Thursday evening passedpleasantly enough. When the prayers for healing began, there was an immense sense of the power of the Spirit present and some people were"falling in the Spirit" even before they got to be prayed with.
I joined thequeue in the isle and when I was prayed over... experienced absolutely nothing! I felt deeply disappointed, but it was some years before I could admit to myself that I also felt jealous of what these others were receiving and I was not.
And that let Satan in, albeit without my realising it, for Iwent to bed with just a sense of unease, yet sure it would be gone by morning. But it was not.When I arose, it was still there and quickly became a deep, blackdespair.
It was so black that, as I realised afterwards, the depression could not be natural. It stayed all through the two hours of praise during which I satlike the proverbial lump of stone.
We then went into the chapel for the final mass. I remained in utter dejection.
I had gone there looking for God and wasnow, so it seemed, further away from him than ever. I felt that I had to do something, make some effort at entering into the praise when the Mass began.I steeled myself for a superhuman attempt and as soon as the entrance hymn began, made the effort.
But the effort was taken from me as soon as I madeit, for it was as if someone lifted me onto my feet and my hands went up in the air. The great weight of depression fell away, just like a cloak fallingfrom my shoulders, and I was praising God.Then, it was as if I stood before God.
Though without seeing him, he was,as it were, about twelve or so feet in front of me. The Holy Spirit.
His lovedrenched and saturated me, quite literally, and it flowed out to others for days afterwards It was indescribable. All that everyone had ever said about the purity of that love, its infinity, it all-encompassing nature, its complete endlessness was all so totally inadequate.It changed my life completely, as it had changed so many lives before.And not one of those people could ever tell another what that love is actually like.
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